that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
