just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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