i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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