At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
