Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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