I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
