I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Still dying that you shit outside
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
