Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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