Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
