So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
