i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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