I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Drunk is not a location!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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