peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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