for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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