I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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