she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
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We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
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When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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