you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
