my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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