I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
