im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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