I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
