im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
