Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woke up backwards on a recliner
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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