I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Randomize
