that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
it's like iHOP with fire
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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