Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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