Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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