well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
