Got a toothbrush?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
