party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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