worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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