I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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