when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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