I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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