she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
