my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
