she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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