Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
