I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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