Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
