I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
