I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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