My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
