My liver just broke up with me...
I think my fart just growled at me.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
