I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Drunk is not a location!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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