Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
