my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
