I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
