hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
