i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
