if i can run in heels then i can drive
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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