there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
