An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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