I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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