I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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