i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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