Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
