upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
