So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
