why do cheetos always look like penises
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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