You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
